Group emerges to fill gap in domestic violence education
(L-R) PARPAR participants Polina Margolin, Julie Goschalk and Myriam LebowitzPARPAR uses workshops to address abuse in Jewish homes
A local grassroots organization has recently begun taking steps to raise awareness of domestic violence within the Jewish community.
PARPAR – People Advocating Responsibility for People Asking for Respect – was founded earlier this year by a cluster of community members endeavoring to fill a gap in the network of resources for Jews who are experiencing domestic violence. “Parpar” means “butterfly” in Hebrew.
“The message of PARPAR is that we as a community should be taking responsibility for victims of domestic violence,” said Myriam Lebowitz, PARPAR program coordinator. “Its long-term goal is to help women have access to information about domestic violence. This is a partnership that we as community members are seeking, together and with existing services. It’s almost like a nerve center for information about what’s available.”
According to Nicole Lesser, director of Kol Isha, the domestic violence arm of Jewish Family & Children’s Service, the incidence of domestic violence within the Jewish community is roughly equal to the overall incidence for all communities, approximately 25 percent. The statistic runs counter to common biases, she said. Within that, Lesser added, there is no indication that it’s more common within one denomination than another.
However, PARPAR has been taking shape with a particular orientation toward more observant women because of cultural circumstances that some believe may make them uniquely prone to prolonged situations of abuse.
Julie Goschalk, a licensed independent clinical social worker whose experience in the sphere of Jewish domestic violence has qualified her to speak at PARPAR’s first two workshops, told the Advocate that Jewish women withstand abuse on average for 10-14 years, nearly twice as long as the overall average of five to eight years. The concept of shonda and the fear that children might be disadvantaged in finding a shidduch might lead to a woman enduring an abusive relationship, she said. Moreover, many observant women might not know to label what they experience as abuse. “The concept of shalom beit has encouraged women to believe that they are in charge of the peace in the home and that if it’s not there, they are doing something wrong,” Goschalk said. “They take it upon themselves to change.”
Goschalk noted that she and others speak primarily of women because they comprise approximately 90-94 percent of domestic violence victims.
A local Jewish survivor of domestic violence, who asked to remain anonymous, upheld Goschalk’s statement about peace in the house. “I labeled the troubles I was experiencing as a lack of shalom beit in my marriage, especially when my ex was accusing me [of being] the source of our extreme discord,” the source told the Advocate in a written statement. “PARPAR, I am sure, will … help dispel the myth that shalom beit is an onus a woman carries.”
Rabbi Benjamin Samuels of Congregation Shaarei Tefillah in Newton has undergone domestic violence sensitivity training and occasionally leads such training sessions for rabbis, mikveh attendants and other parties. “In Jewish communities, especially traditional ones, there’s a high value placed on the family unit and the cohesiveness of that family unit. For better and for worse, there is stigma associated with the dissolution of marriage, and that serves as a disincentive for people to make a change,” Samuels said. However, he added, “the Torah itself makes allowances for people who are caught in a bad marriage to dissolve that through divorce.”
Lesser added that there is a conspicuous lack of shelter facilities that can provide an observant woman with kosher food and meet other halachic needs.
Education – on healthy relationships, on the signs of abuse and on available resources – is the first step, all sources said.
The anonymous source wrote to the Advocate that she hopes to continue her education on the matter to further strengthen herself and “to prevent other women being hurt in this way.”
Samuels added: “The importance of organizations like PARPAR is not only for the support that they promise to provide to those in need but also because they’re a symbol and a model of women empowering themselves to stand strong against abuse.”
Lebowitz said that she and her PARPAR associates are meeting next week to discuss upcoming programming. Presently, they are discussing more workshops and the possibility of distributing informational materials to rabbis. She added that a long-term goal is to create a shelter or safe home in the area where victims of domestic violence may have their halachic needs met.
“I don’t know if domestic violence can ever be eradicated,” she said. “But it should get to the point where a community is so strong that a man would think twice before ever lifting a finger against a woman.”Visit www.parparonline.com or call (508) 314-2882. [link]
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