PARPAR

Safe Haven Workshop for Jewish Women A Great Success

PARPAR Press release:

On Monday, June 15, 2009, women of Boston's orthodox Jewish community united at the home of Mrs. Carol Wald in Newton, MA. participating in a workshop (sponsored by PARPAR) conducted by Safe Haven's director Alyson Morse Katzman. The workshop's mission was to assist the Jewish community in assisting women who are victims of domestic violence by becoming educated and trained to recognize the signs of abuse and how to intervene without potentially jeopardizing a victim's safety.

Safe Havens (www.interfaithpartners.org) is a non-profit organization dedicated to strengthening the capacity of faith-based communities to engage in a coordinated effort to end domestic violence. It works as a bridge between diverse religious communities and social service providers. Safe Havens creates systemic change by providing education, resources, advocacy and technical support to improve access to services for all persons affected by domestic violence, to promote responsible action, to foster leadership development, to encourage community collaboration, and to generate public policy.

Mrs. Morse Katzman initiated the workshop engaging participants by asking them which poignant questions they wanted addressed. She interwove answers to these questions into her outlined discussion of the evening. Building skills and protocols to ensure a woman's safety were the main focus of the lecture. Participants listened and learned about the role and importance of the orthodox Jewish community in assisting a woman who is a victim of domestic violence. In discussing the need of building intervention skills, how to respond, understanding trauma and building protocols for response, the need for education on the occurrence of domestic violence taking place in our community became quite clear. In her closing  remarks, Mrs. Morse Katzman encouragingly supported participants to stand by women who are abused and to do so in a empathetic, non-judgemental manner. Resolutions taken after this workshop were to have continuing education on the issue of providing safety for victims of domestic violence in the orthodox Jewish community through different service providers.

 If you are interested in participating in upcoming workshops, please leave your contact information for future mailings.

posted by: PARPAR

Canada's high court awarded damages to a Jewish woman whose husband refused her a religious divorce

JTA:

Published: 12/16/2007

Canada's high court awarded damages to a Jewish woman whose husband refused her a religious divorce.
The Supreme Court of Canada awarded $47,500 to Stephanie Bruker, 48, saying that her right to remarry and have more children within Judaism was unfairly curtailed by her ex-husband, who refused to grant her a religious divorce for 15 years, according to Canada's Globe and Mail.
Without a religious divorce, or get, Bruker could not remarry in the eyes of Judaism. Also, any children she would have conceived without a ! get would have been considered illegitimate under Jewish law.
Justice Rosalie Abella, representing the majority, said courts can referee religious disputes if they "take into account the particular religion, the particular religious right, and the particular personal and public consequences -- including the religious consequences -- of enforcing that right," the newspaper reported.
The two dissenting judges said the court had no place in religious disputes.
The couple divorced in 1980 after 11 years of marriage. Husband Jason Marcovitz then refused to honor a prenuptial agreement that included a requirement to provide a get. In 1995, Marcovitz granted the get when Bruker was 46, unmarried and past child-bearing age. [link]

posted by: PARPAR

PARPAR IN 5768

Dear Friends,

The summer is almost over and we are on the eve of the New 5768. We want to use this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year and update you on what is happening with PARPAR. 

PARPAR started with the idea of that the community should take responsibility for the victims of domestic violence. We are sharing a deep conviction that by taking a firm stand against this social evil, by helping victims, and educating men, women, and spiritual and lay leadership we can make difference.

We also understood that the existing social services, while absolutely essential and indispensable, would not be able to deal with the issue in an effective manner without community participation. People in the community, their willingness to reach out, and to help the victims, are absolutely vital for the success in the fight against this social problem.

This is why we started our awareness campaign -- taking qualified speaker to the community groups and educating people about the issue. It was apparent that far from being indifferent, the community was simply not educated and aware of the magnitude and complexity of the problem. Once people learned about the crime, they were ready to help.

This coming year we are planning to continue with our educational work. But our plans do not stop there.
Our sages of blessed memory taught us that the main thing is active mitzva. How many times people in the community would ask: Why did not she leave him!
And not many took time to ask another question: Where would she go? Without money, support, with a tangible risk for her life at the moment of separation very often a woman, and specifically Jewish Orthodox woman has nowhere to go. While resources might be available, the taboo in the community make most people unaware of the resources sometimes available next door.

We spent the summer working on this problem investigating available options for safe house, shelter solutions. We met with a lot of good people working in this area and they generously shared with us their experience. People at Auberge Shalom in Montreal, Canada, and Casa Myrna in Boston to name just a few. There is a lot we can do, there is a lot that needs to be done. At a minimum a community must organize following for the victims:

• Safety Plan for victims of Domestic Violence
• Victim and children housed in home of volunteer from the community who has been trained in the state’s formal training program where staff of shelters are trained
• Rabbi/ Rebbetzin in contact with victim and volunteer family how to best provide for her immediate needs
• Social worker provision-legal access/consultations
• Baby sitter access to provide victim for individual time to regroup thoughts and actions and to make appointments with lawyers etc…

Since we started last spring a number of women approached us and asked for help... Women in the community just like the rest of us. It is sad that this is happening, and these women need help. It is great that we do not ignore the problem any longer and are there for them ready to point to resources, provide help, advice, and support.
If you would like to help, you can send your tax deductible check to the following address:

The Mazel Institute
att: PARPAR
33 Blenford road, Brighton, MA

May Lord Almighty Bless you in the new 5768!

Team PARPAR

Jewish Advocate Puts PARPAR On Front Page

Jewish Advocate:

Group emerges to fill gap in domestic violence education

By Rachel L. Axelbank - Thursday June 28 2007

(L-R) PARPAR participants Polina Margolin, Julie Goschalk and Myriam Lebowitz

PARPAR uses workshops to address abuse in Jewish homes

A local grassroots organization has recently begun taking steps to raise awareness of domestic violence within the Jewish community.

PARPAR – People Advocating Responsibility for People Asking for Respect – was founded earlier this year by a cluster of community members endeavoring to fill a gap in the network of resources for Jews who are experiencing domestic violence. “Parpar” means “butterfly” in Hebrew.
“The message of PARPAR is that we as a community should be taking responsibility for victims of domestic violence,” said Myriam Lebowitz, PARPAR program coordinator. “Its long-term goal is to help women have access to information about domestic violence. This is a partnership that we as community members are seeking, together and with existing services. It’s almost like a nerve center for information about what’s available.”
According to Nicole Lesser, director of Kol Isha, the domestic violence arm of Jewish Family & Children’s Service, the incidence of domestic violence within the Jewish community is roughly equal to the overall incidence for all communities, approximately 25 percent. The statistic runs counter to common biases, she said. Within that, Lesser added, there is no indication that it’s more common within one denomination than another.
However, PARPAR has been taking shape with a particular orientation toward more observant women because of cultural circumstances that some believe may make them uniquely prone to prolonged situations of abuse.
Julie Goschalk, a licensed independent clinical social worker whose experience in the sphere of Jewish domestic violence has qualified her to speak at PARPAR’s first two workshops, told the Advocate that Jewish women withstand abuse on average for 10-14 years, nearly twice as long as the overall average of five to eight years. The concept of shonda and the fear that children might be disadvantaged in finding a shidduch might lead to a woman enduring an abusive relationship, she said. Moreover, many observant women might not know to label what they experience as abuse. “The concept of shalom beit has encouraged women to believe that they are in charge of the peace in the home and that if it’s not there, they are doing something wrong,” Goschalk said. “They take it upon themselves to change.”
Goschalk noted that she and others speak primarily of women because they comprise approximately 90-94 percent of domestic violence victims.
A local Jewish survivor of domestic violence, who asked to remain anonymous, upheld Goschalk’s statement about peace in the house. “I labeled the troubles I was experiencing as a lack of shalom beit in my marriage, especially when my ex was accusing me [of being] the source of our extreme discord,” the source told the Advocate in a written statement. “PARPAR, I am sure, will … help dispel the myth that shalom beit is an onus a woman carries.”
Rabbi Benjamin Samuels of Congregation Shaarei Tefillah in Newton has undergone domestic violence sensitivity training and occasionally leads such training sessions for rabbis, mikveh attendants and other parties. “In Jewish communities, especially traditional ones, there’s a high value placed on the family unit and the cohesiveness of that family unit. For better and for worse, there is stigma associated with the dissolution of marriage, and that serves as a disincentive for people to make a change,” Samuels said. However, he added, “the Torah itself makes allowances for people who are caught in a bad marriage to dissolve that through divorce.”
Lesser added that there is a conspicuous lack of shelter facilities that can provide an observant woman with kosher food and meet other halachic needs.
Education – on healthy relationships, on the signs of abuse and on available resources – is the first step, all sources said.
The anonymous source wrote to the Advocate that she hopes to continue her education on the matter to further strengthen herself and “to prevent other women being hurt in this way.”
Samuels added: “The importance of organizations like PARPAR is not only for the support that they promise to provide to those in need but also because they’re a symbol and a model of women empowering themselves to stand strong against abuse.”
Lebowitz said that she and her PARPAR associates are meeting next week to discuss upcoming programming. Presently, they are discussing more workshops and the possibility of distributing informational materials to rabbis. She added that a long-term goal is to create a shelter or safe home in the area where victims of domestic violence may have their halachic needs met.
“I don’t know if domestic violence can ever be eradicated,” she said. “But it should get to the point where a community is so strong that a man would think twice before ever lifting a finger against a woman.”

Visit www.parparonline.com or call (508) 314-2882. [link]

Here is the article in PDF -- Download pg. 01 JA 06.29.07.pdf , Download newpg. 02 JA 06.29.07.pdf . Feel free to download and distribute.

posted by: PARPAR

I Was Shocked, Pained and Inspired...

Sarah Rodkin on PARPAR event:

I was shocked, pained and inspired all at the same time during the latest PARPAR presentation held at Shaloh House. The video as well as Julie's words stirred me to do more than just to know that it exists somewhere, mostly far from home. It probed and showed me to seek how I can be of real help to victims. Speaking with the Russian staff of Kol Isha, A Jewish Family and Children' Service' project, also gave me a perspective on how the community is dealing with this issue. Yasher Koach to the organizers of PARPAR for making this most poignant and under the cover topic stand out and bring us to action.

posted by: PARPAR

Event on 6/13/07: "When Push Comes to Shove"

PARPAR announcement:

We are inviting you to a very important event for women. The event is about an important and sensitive subject. It is called -- "When Push Comes to Shove".

This is our second workshop. First workshop proved to be very effective. Here is a typical reaction of the attendees.

It is about the Jewish community, spousal abuse and ways in which we, as a  community, should deal with it. We have an exceptional speaker, Julie Goschalk, who will conduct a workshop for women.
Julie is a well recognized authority in this field and we are very lucky to have her speak at this engagement.  Although this is a serious  topic, this will be a fun event too -- there will be a raffle and refreshments. The event will be at 7:15 P Wed 6/13/2007 at Shaloh House, 29 Chestnut Hill ave., Brighton.

The event is organized by PARPAR --- an unaffiliated grassroots group.
PARPAR stands for People Advocating Responsibility for People Asking for Respect.

Shaloh House has been very gracious to allow us to use their space for our first two workshops. We are planning to take the workshop to other communities and congregations in the future

Workshop:

• Understanding dynamics of the spousal abuse
• Learning to recognize signs
• Community responsibility
• Practical ways to help
• Time for questions and answers
  

About Julie Goschalk

Julie Cederbaum Goschalk is a licensed independent clinical social worker in private
practice in Newton, MA She has 30 years of clinical experience, specializing in trauma
work and issues relating to domestic violence in the Jewish community. In 1994, Julie
became a founding member of the Jewish Domestic Violence Coalition of Greater
Boston. In 1997, together with another member of the orthodox Jewish community, she
organized a training on family violence in the Jewish family for orthodox rabbis and their
wives. It was the first training of its kind ever to be held in the Boston area. As the
Chairperson of the Jewish Domestic Violence Coalition (1996-1999), Julie was
instrumental in establishing a link between the Jewish community and the Shalom Task
Force, a toll free Jewish crisis line located in New York. She has helped organize several
all-day workshops for rabbis and service providers offered by the Shalom Task force staff
as well as local assistant district attorneys.

RSVP: parparonline@gmail.com or 508-314-2882

Please Help Us -- Spread the News! The best source of support for women in trouble are other women in the community. You can help by downloading, printing and distributing a colorful flyer about the event. Thank you!

Download Colorful Flyer

Need Babysitting to attend the event? We can help! Please mention it in advance in your RSVP message.

posted by: PARPAR

 

Rabbi Abraham Twerski: Abuse occurs in a community that tolerates it

This is article, posted on the official site of OU is almost ten years old. Unfortunately it is as relevant today and at the time of writing. (Emphasis is ours.)

www.ou.org:

Tackling a "Shondeh"
By Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.

It seems to me that at least part of my destiny has been to champion unpopular subjects. A number of years ago, I began to awaken the Jewish community to the fact that "shikker is a goy" is a myth, and that the problems of alcoholism and drug abuse have infiltrated the most respectable families. Now it has become my task to debunk the myth that Jewish husbands are, without exception, kind, devoted, and considerate, and that there is no such thing as domestic violence in the Jewish community.

Even the most serious and life-threatening problems can go unnoticed when there is resistance to acknowledging them. It is a fact that many women neglect to examine themselves properly for breast cancer because of the fear of what it might mean if they discover a mass. Obviously, it is this very neglect that can lead to the grave consequences that could have been avoided by early detection.

The idea of "shondeh" (disgrace) functions in the same manner as fear. To recognize that there is spouse abuse is to admit that there is a "shondeh." As a result, women who are abused continue to suffer because they are unwilling to admit that they are being abused. Unfortunately, they also expose their children to the deleterious effects of growing up in a home where there is abuse. Rabbis often refuse to believe that these problems exist. The resultant hesitance of women to confide in a rabbi because they will be suspected of lying or even of being "meshugah" may have valid grounds. Parents whose daughters complain of being abused may encourage them to return to their husbands and overlook the abuse, saying, "The children need a father, and he is a good provider." Countless excuses are given for maintaining the status quo, which is not really a status quo at all, because abuse is usually progressive.

Communities as a whole are caught up in the denial of this grave problem. Jewish family services are often underfunded, and therefore cannot operate a hotline, provide adequate staff, or maintain a safe-house for abused spouses.

The most evident form of abuse is physical, although abusive husbands are usually clever enough to strike only at the parts of the body that are not exposed. But verbal and emotional abuse may be every bit as damaging to everyone in the family. Quibbling and arguments, while undesirable, do not necessarily constitute abuse, but insulting or demeaning a spouse is definitely abuse. Isolating a woman from family and friends, restricting her ability to function by controlling her access to money, or undermining her authority as a mother is abuse.

Abuse occurs in a community that tolerates it. While the aggressor is the immediate perpetrator, the community cannot shirk its culpability if it allows abuse to occur and continue. We tend to look for causes of things, and indeed a match may be the cause of a fire. But fires cannot burn in the absence of oxygen, and if the supply of oxygen is cut off, as when we douse a fire with water, the flame is extinguished. While a community is not the cause of abuse, it may be likened to the "oxygen" when it allows the abuse to continue. If attitudes in the community undergo an appreciable change, and this change pervades every facet of the community, spouse abuse may be extinguished.

I recently lectured on spouse abuse in a major Jewish community, and 600 people attended the lecture. However, many of the posters announcing the lecture were torn down by people who felt it was a "shondeh" to bring this issue before the public. How sad! The real "shondeh" is when a woman is traumatized physically or emotionally and when her life (and perhaps that of the children) is ruined because she has no one to turn to, no one she feels can help her.

There may be some light at the end of the tunnel. The Shalom Task Force, a volunteer group in New York, is trying to organize a nationwide network of service providers. Last year, 175 rabbis gathered in New York to discuss this issue at a session sponsored by the Shalom Task Force and endorsed by the respected Talmudist, Rabbi Abraham Pam. The Nefesh organization, comprised of several hundred Orthodox psychotherapists, has held special sessions on spouse abuse. In many communities, Jewish agencies are providing trained staffs to deal with these cases. But much more needs to be done, and soon. None of us should have on our conscience that a person has been damaged or destroyed because the community was derelict in providing the necessary resources for help.

This is not a job for "the other guy." Abuse cuts across all economic, cultural and religious levels in our community. There is no immunity. We should all become involved, even if only for self-serving reasons. Everyone should contact the agency in their community to find out what they can do to help. Too often, people fail to get involved until the problem strikes too close to home.  [link]

posted by: PARPAR

Shulamis Yehudis Gutfreund on PARPAR Event

PARPAR (emphasis ours):

B”H
I initially went to the program as a courtesy to a friend who helped organize it, but I ended up very grateful that I went.  It was so informative. You think you know everything about such a topic, but there’s so much more to know than the average person knows.

 

The presenter was extremely knowledgeable and clear, and empowering as well – she told us exactly how to broach the topic if we suspect a friend of ours is involved in an abusive relationship. I think it’s very important for all Jewish women to be informed about this, and to realize how little we know about it.

 

-- Shulamis Yehudis Gutfreund

posted by: PARPAR

First PARPAR Event -- A Success

PARPAR:
(Julie Goschalk, in the middle, with organizers, click to enlarge)

On Sunday April 29, 2007, a group of women from the Brighton/Brookline Jewish community joined together at Shaloh House in Brighton, MA in PARPAR's first educational workshop. Julie Goschalk, a licensed clinical social worker with expertise in the field of domestic violence presented an informative and important workshop called "When Push Comes To Shove..." . The presentation included a poignant video and handouts educating us on the responsibility we are to take individually as well as a community in order to prevent spousal abuse abuse in our midst and help victims of the crime.The name of the new group -- PARPAR is an acronym for People  Advocating Responsibility for People  Asking for  Respect. This theme was reflected in Julie Goschalk's workshop.

Julie Goschalk introduced her workshop with a story about how she came to work in the field of domestic violence. She explained the goal of the workshop and set the ground rules for all present. Then came a 30 minute video presentation "To Save a Life" where Jewish women shared their personal stories of how they were affected physically, emotionally and psychologically by living in a setting of spousal abuse. Rabbis of all denominations as well as a Jewish clinical/social worker service provider explained the dynamics of such relationships in which many women are involved in. One relevant theme in the video was why is it that we ask the question "why do women choose to stay in such relationships?" Instead, we should be asking "Why is it that the husbands/men choose to abuse their wives?" thus putting the burden of self reflection and teshuvah on the abuser and not the victim as a first point of action. Julie noted that men can also be victims of abuse by their wives but statistics show that it is predominantly the woman who is in the position of being a victim of domestic violence and the goal of this particular workshop was to educate ourselves on assisting women in this unfortunate role.

Julie continued the main body of her workshop with the following points: the definition of domestic violence, the warning signs, the cycle of violence, risks for children, issues form the video, Jewish issues, the community as a resource, resources in the community, and the role of the Rabbi and the therapists. Time for question and answers was provided with anonymity being respected with index cards provided to write one's questions without having to be identified.

The workshop ended on a lighter note with one participant winning a beautiful gift basket compliments of The BodyShop in Brookline whose support of national campaign "Stop Violence in the Home" made their gift an ideal choice for a raffle prize.
Beautifully colored butterfly pins supporting the PARPAR logo were sold at a discount of $3. We thank all the participants who attended this event, Julie Goschalk for her presentation which was thoughtful and sensitive to the issue at hand, yet covered  much necessary and important material. Thank you to our sponsors mentioned on the  PARPAR web site and to all those who devoted their time and energy to making this program a success.

posted by: parpar

I know he loves me!

Chabad.org:

Israel and the Battered Woman    By Dr. Miriam Adahan

In years to come, historians will be shocked at how Israeli leaders happily encouraged a gang of Arab murderers to create a country within our tiny borders -- a country which never existed before -- and gave them arms knowing that those arms could be used to kill and maim us, and then continued to try to appease the murderers. Why are we fulfilling Hitler's dream? Why did we ignore Arafat's rhetoric calling for our destruction, ignore the fact that they were flooding their cities with arms, and ignore the warnings that they are preparing for all-out war? Having worked with battered women for most of my life, I see a similarity in the mentality of these women who are so hungry for love, who search so desperately for any signs of it, because the truth is unbearable. Want to understand what happened here in Israel? Listen to the battered woman: 1. "It takes two to make a fight. So I must deserve this abuse -- after all, I'm not perfect either. I left dishes in the sink, was talking on the phone when he came home and didn't have dinner ready on time. Sometimes, I was a little confused after he beat me up and didn't function so well. These sins of mine are so enormous that whatever he does is justified. I should have done better, should have known, should have anticipated...." (Israel: "As penance for not being perfect, we must allow them to continue murdering us.") 2. "If he's so angry, it means that I'm to blame. People don't get angry about nothing. It must be that I haven't done enough to please him. If I just try harder, I'm sure I'll eventually win his love." (Israel: "We must keep making more concessions. We're the more enlightened country, so we have to keep trying harder to get them to become more democratic, more humane, more civilized.") 3. "No matter how badly he acts at times, I truly believe that he doesn't really mean to hurt me and that he really does love me underneath it all. He just has to act like this to prove his masculinity. It doesn't really mean anything, because underneath it all, there's a good man." (Israel: "No matter how many of us he kills, Arafat is our partner. The fact that he keeps wanting to talk is proof of his love, isn't it? Otherwise, why would he take the time to talk to us?") 4. "I'm proud of myself for being loyal and determined! I stand by my man through thick and thin. You don't leave during the bad times. When you're willing to forgive after getting beaten up, that's when you prove how strong your love is." (Israel: "We take pride in the fact that we are the ones who care more about peace, and keep negotiating even when we're under attack. Hey world! Look at how much we're willing to suffer and not fight back! Now will you love the Jews?") 5. "I don't have delusions -- I know what kind of person he is. I simply believe in love. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. With the strength of my love, I can turn this frog into a prince. A woman has the power to do the impossible! If I love him so much, it must be that he loves me too. It can't be that I'm creating something out of nothing. That would be foolish. I'm not a fool -- I just believe in love!" (Israel: "We'll make them love us.... We'll get their approval in the end.") 6. "True, some days I just feel like committing suicide, because, after all, if I didn't exist, I wouldn't be abused! I'll give up my dreams, my identity, my desires, and shrink myself to nothing. Then the abuse will stop, because I will no longer be here to take it." (Israel: "We've gotten too big, too powerful for them. Let's shrink ourselves down a little. Then there won't be anything to attack.") 7. "All my relatives -- especially my rich uncle Sam -- keeps telling me that I'm the one who has to give in, that I'm the one with the power to stop the violence. I don't really know what he means, because I was sleeping the last time he bashed me in the head. But Uncle S tells me it's my fault and Uncle helps me pay the bills, so I have to do things his way..." (Israel: "The whole world puts all this pressure on us to give in. We have to accommodate them or we won't be able to pay our bills.") 8. "I'm a nice, peace-loving person. I'll destroy my self-image if I turn into one of those aggressive women who fight back, argue, call the police or make waves. It makes me feel superior to be the one who's so enlightened and civilized." (Israel: "We're so good! No Arab country is willing to take in Arab refugees. But we're made of better stuff.") 9. "I'm an optimist. That's just my nature. I guess it has to do with my being a spiritual person. Don't ask me how, but I'm confident that everything will work out in the end." (Israel: "We're optimistic. That's just our nature...") 10. "He took me to all these romantic places (Madrid, Sharm el Sheik, Taba, Camp David, Wye Plantation) and we talked and he told me that he's ready to make up, and all that love-making just makes me forget the past and want to start all over again. You can't imagine how truly charming he can be when he wants something from me. If there's a chance to work things out, I'm willing to go through anything just to get him to smile at me like that again!" (Israel: "We'll do anything for peace...") 11. "I have no choice. He's my only hope for love. I can't stand to be rejected. What he's giving me is better than no relationship at all. I can't bear to be alone." (Israel: "We have no choice. There is no other partner for peace.") 12. "I'm so weak and helpless. I need him to protect me." (Israel: "We need a Palestinian state to protect us from the terrorists.") 13. "People keep telling me that the whole problem is that I didn't show him enough respect in the past. They tell me that if I just respect him more, then he'll love me. Even if he beats me up, I have to show restraint and be more respectful. They tell me that that, truly, is the ultimate key -- respect. Then I'll be loved. I can't wait!" (Israel: "If Arafat gets enough peace awards, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy and he'll change and become the nice guy we've always envisioned he can be.") 14. "I'm tired of fighting. I have no strength left. I just want him to love me..." (Israel: "We're tired of fighting... after 50 years of war, we just want peace.") 15. "I got used to it. Most of the time, it doesn't really even hurt all that much." (Israel: "We can take it. We're tough. We clean up the blood and go on. These are the sacrifices we have to make for Peace.") 16. "At least he's showing me attention. That's better than being ignored." (Israel: "The world doesn't care about the Kurds or the Tibetans or all the other abused minorities. The State Department didn't try to make peace between the Greeks and the Turks. Look how much attention it gives little Israel. The whole UN dwells only on Israel! This must be love...") 17. "He's really not evil, just misguided. He had such a difficult childhood. He doesn't realize what he's doing. It's really not his fault. He doesn't know any better. He needs to be rehabilitated, educated. That's my job. And if I don't succeed, It's my fault." (Israel: "Arabs aren't bad, just frustrated. By example, we'll teach them how to be more humane.") 18."I feel such pity for him. He keeps saying that he is the abused one. He looks so pitiful. When he's shooting at me with his new gun, he tells me about how much he's suffered from me and I feel so bad for him. So, if it makes him feel like more of a man to beat me up, what's the big deal? He needs this release. You know how frustrated men get!" (Israel: "The Arabs are so frustrated. The 'occupation' is depriving them of their manhood. So we have to let them let off steam....") 19. "Everyone tells me to forget the past. Start afresh. They assure me that he's turned over a new leaf. Maybe he's changed. People keep pointing out the fact that he did bring me flowers when I was in the hospital after he broke my nose. And he's often so helpful to the neighbors. He can't be all bad. With the right therapist, I'm sure he'll change." (Israel: "No one was killed today. So maybe they really did turn over a new leaf! Albright, Ross,  Mitchell, Tennet, Zinni, Powell... they keep saying it's gonna work. We just have to be brave and stick it out a while longer.")

posted by parpar

Event on 4/29/07: "The Shame and the Silence"

We are inviting you to a very important event for women. The event is about an important and sensitive subject. It is called -- "The Shame and the Silence".  The theme of the  workshop came from the book on this subject written by Rabbi Abraham Twerski.
It is about the Jewish community, spousal abuse and ways in which we, as a  community, should deal with it.
We have an exceptional speaker, Julie Goschalk, who will conduct a workshop for women.
Julie is a well recognized authority in this field and we are very lucky to have her speak at this engagement.  Although this is a serious  topic, this will be a fun event too -- there will be a raffle and refreshments. The event will be at 10:30 am on 4/29 at Shaloh House, 29 Chestnut Hill ave., Brighton.

The event is organized by PARPAR --- an unaffiliated grassroots group.
PARPAR stands for People Advocating Responsibility for People Asking for Respect.

Shaloh House has been very gracious to allow us to use their space for our first workshop. We are planning to take the workshop to other communities and congregations in the future

Workshop:

• Understanding dynamics of the spousal abuse
• Learning to recognize signs
• Community responsibility
• Practical ways to help
• Time for questions and answers
  

About Julie Goschalk

Julie Cederbaum Goschalk is a licensed independent clinical social worker in private
practice in Newton, MA She has 30 years of clinical experience, specializing in trauma
work and issues relating to domestic violence in the Jewish community. In 1994, Julie
became a founding member of the Jewish Domestic Violence Coalition of Greater
Boston. In 1997, together with another member of the orthodox Jewish community, she
organized a training on family violence in the Jewish family for orthodox rabbis and their
wives. It was the first training of its kind ever to be held in the Boston area. As the
Chairperson of the Jewish Domestic Violence Coalition (1996-1999), Julie was
instrumental in establishing a link between the Jewish community and the Shalom Task
Force, a toll free Jewish crisis line located in New York. She has helped organize several
all-day workshops for rabbis and service providers offered by the Shalom Task force staff
as well as local assistant district attorneys.

Thank you, Warehouse Flowers!

PARPAR update:

Thank you Warehouse Flowers on Chestnut Hill avenue in Brookline for providing us with flowers for our upcoming event!

posted by: PARPAR

Thank you, The Body Shop!

PARPAR update:

Thank you to The Body Shop on Harvard Street in Brookline for providing us with a wonderful gift for the raffle at out upcoming event. Special thanks to Kristina!

posted by: PARPAR

About the pin

Butterflies are beautiful.  Butterflies are inspiring. The butterfly has come to symbolize beliefs of hopes and dreams, particularly peace.  Thus it is the reason why  PARPAR has been founded with a butterfly as its logo. Butterfly pins will be on sale at the event for $3.

BUTTERFLY SPIRIT

Parpar/ פַּרְפַּר : (Butterfly in Hebrew)

BUTTERFLY SPIRIT

A Butterfly, a beautiful, delicate form that emerges from a furry little caterpillar, has long been a symbol of many things to people around the world: beauty, harmony, and peace.  When we talk about transformation, the image that comes to mind for most of us is the butterfly.  Because of its astounding transformation from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis to its incredible color spangled elegance, it can be the symbol for a woman’s own unfolding. The process by which a butterfly reaches its ultimate beauty does not go without tremendous metamorphosis. We tend to forget what the butterfly has gone through, how it has struggled to reach its place on the breeze and how it was affected in the process.

Generally, when we embrace transformation, we have a vision of ourselves as strong confident and empowered to be the best we can be. However, the transformation from constraint to freedom of spirit, body and soul for a woman in an abusive relationship may be daunting. A woman’s transformation begins with desiring something better for herself. She may or may not know what it is that she wants, just that she has a longing for something more. A woman’s path of transformation can be likened to that of the butterfly's.  Before she begins to transform, she feels ambivalence; still in the old form, however getting ready to build a cocoon. She is in the process of change. She may not see the change, but there are parts of her that are being released, transformed and altered. At this point, her life will sometimes become very uncomfortable for her. When its transformation is complete, the butterfly emerges from its cocoon. Fighting its way out of the old form, through a tough silk shell, moving on, into a new world, just as she must struggle to move through barriers and outmoded attitudes. Behaviors that served her when she was as a caterpillar are no longer helpful. She can't live the way she used to. She is transcending the old patterns. But since they were familiar, and successful in their old form, she resists discarding them.   

She eventually has to release beliefs that are no longer in her best interest. No longer could she play a role that she has outgrown. Old relationship patterns come to an end. It is very painful to let go, and very scary to change the role. Her whole life has changed.

As she emerges from her cocoon, she takes time to adjust to her new circumstances. Things are different, and she has to learn how to accept and handle her new self. She acts in new ways. People respond to her in a manner in which she’s not used to.

Eventually, the effect of the butterfly's journey allows it to climb free and rest. Spreading its wings for the first time, energy flows through them and they expand, finally ready to carry the butterfly on the breeze. Eventually a woman feels confident with her new self, and like the butterfly, flies free, a living jewel fluttering about the skies in the great expanse.

The butterfly has come to symbolize beliefs of hopes and dreams, particularly peace.  Thus it is the reason why  PARPAR has been founded.